Rooftops

^{Anyway, I was staring out of the window at the rooftops and wondering what it would be like to be agile enough to walk across them with the same regard as walking along the street.  Yes, I know there are some who already perform this feat, leaping from roof to roof, running up walls etc; I just wondered if I’d feel any differently having that ability and how often would I use it; would I start to plan out my route to work navigating buildings?  Probably not, as the place of my current employ involves a drive through the Queen’s back garden, watching the trees take on their seasonal wardrobes and always being amazed at how they prefer to be naked as the cold of winter forces us humans to put on more layers.  Anyway, as I was saying I was lost in my thoughts when I heard her say:}

^{Did you know that there cannot be less than 2500 leaves on a fully grown tree during summer?} 

^{I didn’t pay any heed to the information at first as I was unaware that this fact was directed purely at me, but then she repeated it again in exactly the same tone as she had said it the first time, almost as if it had been recorded and was now being played back.}

^Oh!

^{I said trying to sound excited as if it was an `eureka’ moment.  (You’re trying to imitate me now to capture the tone I would have used to make this as exciting as finally discovering the holy grail – don’t deny it – you may not be saying it aloud but still practising it in the recording studio of your mind.  Don’t be embarrassed, you’re probably not the only one.  Perhaps you could start a blog and discover like minded people such as yourself?)}

^{And if you set about counting all the branches of one fully matured tree, including sub branches, it would send you completely mad!}

^{At times like this you want to look, but you don’t want to look, as if the threat of being enslaved hangs over you like the threat of bird shit dropping off one of the audited branches of said tree.} 

^{How many useless facts do you want me to spew forth until you turn around and look at me?}

^{How many have you got?}

^{Oh let me see now ……ah yes, a certain variety of tree grows both here and in Australia and it is a documented fact that roots of both trees have been found wrapped around each other in the centre of the earth; almost as if they were holding on to each other ….}

^{Okay, give me one more …..}

^{Hm, well, staying on the subject of trees ……if you pressed the first fall of autumn leaves you would gather enough oil to lubricate all the internal workings of certain cuckoo clocks made between 1935 and 12 noon, February 12th 1936.}

^{One more …}

^{Ah, okay, it has been known and no doubt recorded that a carved cuckoo bird made for one of the said clocks actually sprouted leaves in the shape of wings and a tail feather.}

^{You know, I am tempted to ask for one more, but I am afraid your head may start to spin and your eyeballs will leap out of your head attached to springs!}

^{So I finally turned around to face thief y purveyor of useless facts but there was no one there!  I looked around and couldn’t see anybody except for two old dears peering out through the imitation flower trough that formed partitions between tables.}

^{Shit!  Yes, it’s official, I have totally lost the plot and am hearing voices, or a voice at least!} 

^{I focussed my eyes on the rooftops, my heart beating some rare tango rhythm and my face redder than a stop sign.  What the hell was that all about?  The shrink had mentioned something about hearing voices, but I never took the question seriously.  Now I will have to admit there was an instance of hearing one particular voice telling me fabricated facts about trees.  Please tell me you didn’t believe what was said?  Oh please, now I’m concerned that whoever is reading this believes all that crap ….. aargh!}

^{Did you know there have been instances where caterpillars have been found on the uppermost leaf of a tree, oblivious to the climatic change and the perilous height they have achieved?}

^{Go away!}

^{Oh you don’t mean that!  Look to your left.}

^{Go away!}

^{Okay, if you’re sure ….}

^{You don’t exist; you’re just some mental dry solder joint in my brain that’s sparking.}

^{That’s new, never been called that before.}

^{Please, just stay quiet until I get home.}

^{Are you asking me back to your place?}

^{I finished my coffee and gathered myself together trying not to meet the prying eyes of the peeping flower trough spies.  I made my way to the door and got out as fast as I could taking a deep breath and letting the door close behind me.}

^{Hey, that’s not very polite!  You could have broken my nose!}

^{That would have been a good trick considering you’re just a voice inside my head! God, I’m talking to myself now!  I wonder if I go straight to the GP he could see me right away?  I’ll be installed in my own little padded cell by dinnertime!}

^{A snail’s shell is divided into living areas and the snail has no problem accessing any room despite its size.  Now will you please turn round and look at me?}

^{I stopped, sighed and turned around ……}

^{See, I’m not going loony tune!  I knew there was someone there all the time …… no, I just played along, that’s all!}

^{You want me to give you some details because you think that my companion is on some strong medication and/or looks like some crazed export from some sanatorium hidden deep underground, don’t you?  No, you had those thoughts about?   Thanks. Well Anyway, there is a person standing in front of me and secondly, if she is in the least bit mad well she more than makes up for it in looks and what’s normal anyway?  Sorry?  Ah, what was all that about in the coffee shop?  Er, well that was my fault, sort of, well not really, that is to say, ok, ok I had been staring out at the rooftops and what I hadn’t mentioned was that it was a very sunny day and so I was a tad blind when I went back to locating where the voice was coming from – yes, well it could happen to anyone!} 

^{Anyway, what is the point of this diatribe?  Nothing really, I just wanted to share something that had happened that you might have found interesting – are you going to eat that last piece of brioche?  No, no, I just wondered … well, if you don’t mind, thanks. What happened after we left the coffee shop?  Well, we wandered about in no particular direction, but deep in nonsensical conversation and the day disappeared into evening and then the fun started ………}

^{We drove down to the coast and the sky was a wonderful Prussian blue peppered with crystal sprinklings.  We wandered along the seafront lost in thoughts unaware that our footprints were being scurried away by hundreds of tiny sea hands to be used by Neptune as a non slip mat in his seaweed bath that was kept filled with moonlit water and surrounded by seahorses acting as hooks for his crown and his seabed flannel.  (When you’re in the flow, you’re in the flow – that’s all I’m saying!)}

^{We sat down on the beach and shared more fabricated facts until we both rolled about laughing at each other’s mad thoughts.}

^{Did you know that every time you go to the toilet for a wee someone the other side of the world is having a shower?}

^{If you took all the hair that everyone lost everyday and bound it together you would be able to construct a rope that you could lasso the nearest planet with and use it to tow the earth through the universe.}

^{Okay, okay, if the world stopped for even a split second all the seas, oceans, rivers, lakes, ponds, puddles, water tanks and cisterns would empty into the universe and blow the fuses of quite a few stars.}

^{I’m thirsty and a tad hungry – can we go and get something to eat?}

^{Only if you can tell me how many grains of sand I am holding in my hand.}

^{Hm, well I could give you the exact number but you appear to be losing a continuous stream of grains through your fingers so it is very difficult to put a precise number at any one time given that the amount is changing by the nano second!}

^{Ah, but if I open my hand palm upwards, that will stop most of the fallout and then you have to tell me exactly, down to the last tiny grain, how many are left!}

^{Alright, do it and let me see.}

^Tada!

^{Oh that’s easy …..4526 whole grains, plus 58 tiny chippings of shells and a slight swish of seaweed!}

^{Phooey, how did you know?}

^{Well, I took into account that the creases in your palm would hold an amount that would be unseen from above and also the bowl effect your hand was creating.  Also, I noted as you scooped the sand there were sediment of shell remnants and a few strands of seaweed lifted at the same time, so I calculated that although there would be quite a few grains in your hand they would also be bolstered out by these extras.}

^{That’s remarkable – you have the number absolutely correct down to the last grain.  I was concerned that you might not have picked up on the fact that there were two half grains, but then, when I opened my hand they had gone.  I think dinner should be your prize for getting the right answer!}

^{Why thank you, I would like that!}

^{And so we found a restaurant that served fresh lobster with a side dish of seaweed and urchin salad that we ate with relish, apricot relish to be precise and rounded the meal off with surprise pie* and ice-cream; and even though we were eating the same we still shared food from each other’s plate.  And we talked and talked and laughed at the how much we seemed to know about each other already, don’t know how, just did.  We finished our meal, had coffee and chewed on the chocolate mints that the waiter brought us and then regretted the quantity of food we had devoured.  I asked the waiter for the bill, but he said that as we were the 48th customer of the day there was nothing to pay, and would we accept this bottle of champagne as a token of their thanks for having visited their restaurant.  He also provided us with glasses so that we could go back to the beach and drink our fill.  What a wonderful place; if only I could remember the name and where we were at the time I could give you with the details and you could visit and eat there and maybe you would have the same wonderful service?  If I can find the shirt I wore there may still be a slight mark where I splashed sauce on it and a contact number; if so, I will let you know! (*surprise pie – a confection made by melting the contents of a box of chocolates so all the fillings merge and, with the addition of ice-cream (any flavour) causes an enormous sugar rush, best avoided if you will need to use your concentration anytime in the following 24 hours!)}

^{Have you ever drunk champagne on the beach during the night of the Prussian blue sky?  Oh you should definitely do it, especially with someone like her, it really is an amazing experience, especially if you lie back on the sand and watch how the stars spin and dance across the skies with the sea orchestra crashing gentle wave cymbals in response.  Lay back and make sand angels with your arms and feet, see how many sand angels it takes to make a complete circle!}

^{After a while we began to feel tired from all the alcoholic bubbles rushing through our systems and we needed to sleep, but that meant finding a hotel or sleeping in the car, however my new friend had an idea and looking back with clarity on the situation it was rather stupid and yet it seemed obvious at the time and we were never caught, but I wouldn’t recommend it too often.  Did you know that you can get a special substance that you can spray onto hard services and you can breach their exteriors?  Well, my friend had such a container of said substance that she sprayed onto the showroom window of a department store and immediately we were able to go through and make our way to the section of all that keeps you warm and snug and cosy in bed, ok, the bedding department – sheesh!  Anyway, as you are probably aware, they have beds that are made up and so we climbed in and snuggled down; however, I don’t know if you have noticed of late but some of these beds seem to be made especially for Snow White’s little friends and we found that at least 18inches (40cms approx) of us were sticking out in space so we had to do some rearranging and to this day I feel a tad guilty, although we did leave a note explaining what we had done and how they may want to put the bed linen through some sort of laundering process and of course we were thankful that the sheets we had slept in had probably been brand new, untouched and un-slept in, which I’m sure they were.}

^{The next day was huggable and brought glorious sunshine and the Prussian sky had been replaced with cerulean dye allowing the one or two or three candyfloss clouds to drift slowly by.  People were wearing a cascade of rainbows in various shapes and styles, some unaware at how their leg hairs were crisping from the rising heat of the pavement and the fall of heat from the many arms of the sun.  We were taking part in the sideshow challenges, racing dolphins across a fibreglass sea, throwing darts at playing cards, surviving the journey through the derelict backstage of the ghost train and whizzing down the chute of the helter skelter on the surface of a coconut mat.  Sharing a bag of freshly cooked doughnuts and challenging each other to eat them without licking the sugar off our lips; wrestling with overstuffed fun fur sea creatures, some nearly as big as us, won at the sideshows; daring each other to have a tattoo and then watching as others undergoing the process tried to keep the pain from showing on their faces and we decided it was advice from the gods not to go there.}

^{Later, sitting on a bench overlooking the sea and watching a solitary boat bob up and down on the roll of juvenile waves we exchanged a running commentary on how the people on board may have been trying to eat their lunch of baked beans and sausages only to discover that the motion of the boat was causing the sausages to form barriers to stop the beans tsunaming across the table;  and how the folks were trying to stab a sausage only for it to roll away and their forks end up hitting the table top causing the prongs to bend.  We carried on envisioning various scenes that might be happening and we began to giggle like children………………}

^{I hate time.}

^{Time does not play fair.}

^{Time is sadistic.}

^{Time is something we had forgotten about so it made itself known by turning up the volume to 11 on the nearest church bells.  My friend froze and then looked towards the sun and jumped as she saw where it was in the sky …..}

^{Gotta go!  Don’t want to, but I have to be elsewhere.  I’ve had a really brilliant time; I can’t remember anyone whose jigsaw pieces fitted mine so completely.}

^{I tried to ask for contact details and stuff but she was gone on the same invisible rocket back to wherever she had come from and I was on the verge of sadness except I somehow knew she would be back at some point when I was lost in my thoughts staring over the rooftops remembering how there cannot be less than 2500 leaves on a fully grown tree during summer ………….}